For Obi-Wan

[bring_balance]

Anakin still feels shaken to his core, even more than an hour after he's left the throne and Rey behind.

Palpatine was a Sith lord. For years, he was lied to, misled and deceived in every way imaginable. Obi-Wan had told him right away when he'd arrived in Darrow, but in his heart, Anakin had never truly believed it. Perhaps it was because the idea that a Sith lord could have been under their noses for years was unfathomable, or perhaps it was because he couldn't imagine that someone he had loved and trusted could do such a thing.

He'd been a fool and he's ashamed.

And now he knows exactly who he needs to speak to.

He's sure that Obi-Wan felt it in the Force, Anakin's moment of weakness. Again, he'd allowed rage and fear to overtake him. The fire of hatred had scorched his veins, and he'd fed it, walked to the edge of the precipice and nearly gone over into the darkness.

He's not sure what comes next, and Anakin hopes his Master will be able to provide guidance.

It's very late, long after he's sure Obi-Wan has gone to bed, but he finds himself knocking on his apartment door.

Comments

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"You may be a Jedi Knight in your own right, Anakin, but you'll always be my Padawan in the ways that matter," Obi-Wan answers, steering Anakin toward the sofa so that he might sit. He has no doubt Anakin will likely get up and pace, but he can at least try to get him to relax for a moment.

"If we couldn't sense one another in moments of heightened emotion, I would have to say something is wrong," he says. "Tell me what happened. Start at the beginning."

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Anakin considers the sofa, but doesn't feel much like sitting. He's unsettled, and he's sure Obi-Wan can sense it. Perhaps that's why his former Master offers him the seat in the first place.

"I'm sure you sensed what happened before then," Anakin begins, "The disturbance in the Force. It was Rey. She found something... strange. Something from a Sith Lord."

He doesn't say who, doesn't elaborate yet. He can't imagine saying the words himself. It's almost as if saying it aloud to Obi-Wan will make it all more true than it already is.

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Obi-Wan had more than merely sensed Rey, he'd heard her, in a manner he's never really heard anyone at all besides Master Yoda. Her presence in the Force had been more than just feelings, but fully formed words.

Now is not the time to get into all of this, so he only nods and then takes a seat himself, as if doing so might also prompt Anakin to follow suit.

"I did," he says simply. "Something from a Sith Lord? What was it?"

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"A throne," Anakin says, and just thinking of it threatens to bring back the feelings of anger and betrayal that he's been trying to push down ever since he left that horrible thing behind him.

He doesn't sit, not yet, but looks down at Obi-Wan with a tightened frown.

"Rey said it belonged to the Chancellor. To Palpatine."

The words leave his lips and he feels as though he's going to be sick, even though he knows now that it's the truth.

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The words don't surprise Obi-Wan at all. He can't imagine Anakin being here for any other reason than the betrayal he must be feeling now and he nods, his expression calm, sympathetic. He doesn't ask why Anakin believes Rey, but hadn't believed him. It doesn't matter.

"I'm sorry, Anakin," he says. "I wish it wasn't the truth."

It's worse for Anakin than any of them, but he and Padmé had trusted Palpatine as well. He had lied to so many people, had been willing to destroy the entire Republic for his own need for power.

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"I listened to him," Anakin says, and though he calmed down not long ago, Rey's words pulling him back from the brink, just thinking of it again is enough to reignite that fire of rage within him.

"For years, I trusted him, and it was all a lie."

He should have listened to Obi-Wan; more than once, his former Master had mentioned his concern about Anakin's relationship with the Chancellor. But how could he turn away from one of the only people who had been willing to listen to him all along? There had been no judgement when he'd told Palpatine about Padmé, about what happened with his mother...

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"Be mindful, Anakin," Obi-Wan says gently. "I know you feel betrayed and rightly so, but you must remember Palpatine's goal was power. Absolute power. Those of us who trusted him -- and we did, Anakin, all of us did -- are not to blame for believing the best. For believing the face he presented to us."

He watches Anakin and then says, "We did what we could with the information available. And he knew how to manipulate us. All of us, not only you, but me, the entire Senate, the Jedi Council. We all believed him for years.

The quest for power corrupts. And it has made some people we've trusted do terrible things, but that is no statement on who we are. Or who you are. To look for the best in everyone is what we've been taught."

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"So tell me," Anakin says, hearing Obi-Wan's warning but not following his guidance in that moment, "Did you confide in him? How about Master Yoda or Master Windu? Did you seek his counsel?"

It's not the same, he knows. Anakin can't imagine that Obi-Wan and other members of the Council spilled their darkest secrets to the Chancellor or visited and confided with him often. The Chancellor knew more about Anakin than anyone, possibly even his wife.

And how many times had they saved him? If the Chancellor had truly been responsible for the war, for all of it, then what was the reason for it all?

"Did you kill simply because he'd commanded it?"

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"No," Obi-Wan answers. "But I trusted Cody. Confided in him. Sought his counsel many times and due to Palpatine's plans, I was betrayed by him. I know it isn't the same, Anakin, I know you were closer to Palpatine than we all were, and I know you're hurt."

He's quiet for a moment, then says, "I'm very sorry, Anakin. I'm sorry for what he did to you."

The galaxy lost so much because of Palpatine. So many people died. Thousands of Jedi lost in the moment he told the clones to turn on them. But he is truly sorry about what Palpatine did to Anakin in particular.

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He remembers the look in Dooku's eyes as the Chancellor commanded Anakin to kill him, the panic. And now, thinking back on it, he realizes something else the Count had been feeling: betrayal.

Anakin continues to pace, his frown deepening.

"I'm... I'm not sure what to do now," Anakin admits, because he's angry again, thinking back on that day on the Invisible Hand and all the days before it, and his blind devotion to a man who was lying to them all from the start, "I feel helpless here."

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"You make your choice again," Obi-Wan answers. "As we do every day. Palpatine's choices are not your own and you can choose not to let this overwhelm you or guide you from here on out. You are your own man, Anakin, and you're a good man. He cannot change that."

Obi-Wan is quiet for a moment, then looks at Anakin and asks, "What do you want for your life here? Tell me honestly, what is it you want?"

Every day Obi-Wan comes closer to accepting the Jedi order is no more. Even without being in Darrow, he knows how many of them are dead, how many have been killed at the hands of the men they trusted and called their friends. This, too, is down to Palpatine. But because the order no longer exists, they have to choose a new path. Obi-Wan wants to know what Anakin desire.

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"I'm not sure," Anakin says immediately, then thinks better of his answer, "No. No, that's not true."

He knows what he wants in Darrow, it's the same thing he wanted back in their own galaxy. Only now, what Anakin wants and what is attainable aren't so far apart.

"I want to be able to spend it however I like. And with Padmé I guess I haven't thought much further than that."

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"And do you need to?" Obi-Wan asks. "You're here. You're safe. Padmé is safe. We cannot go home, Anakin, not by choice. The war is, whether we like it or not, no longer ours to fight in and we must hope that those who are still there are doing the best they can with what they have."

He looks at Anakin steadily, then stands and goes to him, putting his hands on his Padawan's shoulders.

"Anakin," he says. "Palpatine did something awful to you. But that is not a reflection of you as a person. You can move forward from here."

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"You're right," Anakin says, and he nods, though he's not able to meet Obi-Wan's eyes just yet. Perhaps all there is to do is move forward now, to have the life he'd always hoped for himself and Padmé, but still there is the shame at being deceived in the first place. He should have seen through it from the start. And if he was truly the Chosen One, he should have been the one to put a stop to it.

"You're right. There's nothing to be done here but move forward. Regret is merely a pathway to pathway to fear, after all."

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The words chill Obi-Wan. While he has said the same thing to Anakin, to Ahsoka, countless times, and has had the same said to him by Master Yoda and Qui-Gon, it feels different in Darrow. He knows things Anakin doesn't and every day he struggles with whether or not he should be telling him.

He doesn't want to pile more regret upon Anakin's shoulders and perhaps he is thinking like a brother rather than a Master, a Jedi, but every day Obi-Wan understands more and more they are not the men they used to be.

"You feel things deeply, Anakin," he says. "That is not a failing. Palpatine took advantage of your compassion and your love. Don't let him continue to influence you here."

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Anakin starts to protest, to repeat one of the lessons that has been drilled into him by the Order countless times, but he stops himself. The Order is gone, and even if they hadn't fallen back in their own galaxy, the Order isn't in Darrow.

It's difficult to remember that at times.

"It feels like unlearning everything I thought I knew," Anakin replies, and of course he means the things that the Chancellor said to him over the years, but also what he learned from the Order.

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Obi-Wan chuckles, though there is nothing especially humourous in Anakin's words, then squeezes his shoulders before letting his hands drop once more.

"You're not the only one," he says. "I meditate daily on what it means, being here, learning to live in this world rather than the one that had become so familiar to us. There is no war, no Jedi Order, no Council for me to sit on. The men I trusted... Cody... they've all turned on us due to some switch flipped in their head, placed there without their knowledge."

He exhales slowly and then shakes his head. "There is much we both must unlearn, I think, in order to have lives here. And it's no easy task, but think of all we've done. I believe we can do this, too."

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"And yet you seem as though you already have it all figured out," Anakin remarks, and now he's begun to visibly relax, the tension in his body releasing as their conversation continues.

But he believes there's some truth in his statement; Obi-Wan hasn't been in Darrow much longer than himself, yet he's more readily adopted the look of someone from this galaxy, trading in his Jedi robes for clothes closer to what Anakin has seen people in Darrow wear. He explores more than Anakin does. So many little things lead him to believe that Obi-Wan is having a much easier time with this.

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"Oh, far from it," Obi-Wan answers with a laugh, returning to his place on the sofa. "Perhaps I'm just better at hiding it."

He exhales and then reminds himself he wants to be more honest with Anakin. It's the only way to move forward, which is what he's only just advised Anakin to do. For them both to move forward requires honesty and Obi-Wan is prepared to push harder than he had in the past.

Before Darrow, it had been easy to accept Anakin's reluctance to talk as part of being a Jedi. Obi-Wan had told himself he was respecting Anakin's boundaries. Now, though, he needs to do this properly.

"Being with Klaus has helped," he says. "I'm more inclined to try new things when he suggests them."

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"I suppose Padmé and I are at a bit of a disadvantage," Anakin replies, and at last he breaks into a bit of a smile, "Neither of us have the head start you have here."

Though even Padmé has adjusted better than Anakin. She's found a job, and Anakin is still floundering. Perhaps part of it is a reluctance to move forward, he realizes.

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"Oh, I think Padmé has the both of us beat," Obi-Wan answers. "She'll be running this place before too long, I imagine."

And Darrow would be better for it. There are few Senators like Padmé, few that believed so completely in democracy and were so dedicated to seeing it succeed, even if it hadn't at all gone the way they would have hoped. He believes she can do good things in Darrow, too.

"We don't have to leave it all behind," he continues after a moment. "I believe there is great value in much of what we've learned, but perhaps it's time for us to adapt it to a different way of life."

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"The ability to adapt is one probably learned as a senator," Anakin says, then he finally does smile at Obi-Wan's second statement about Padmé. Of course he agrees, and though they've only been in Darrow a short time, he can see her running for office and really doing good in this city they're beginning to call home.

He considers what Obi-Wan says and his expression grows more serious.

"I think if we're to leave some it behind us and adapt... then perhaps the time has come for me to stop calling you Master," he suggests, "After all, there's no Jedi Order here."

And the two of them have already begun pulling away from some of the Order's teachings, so this seems a logical next step.

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It pleases Obi-Wan to have Anakin amenable to the possibilities they're speaking of and he smiles at the suggestion, not having expected it and yet feeling as if Anakin is entirely right. For all he still thinks of Anakin as his Padawan in ways, their relationship has truly become that of brothers more than mentor and apprentice.

"Yes," he says with a smile. "I think that is something we can both certainly manage."

There's no reason for anyone in Darrow to call Obi-Wan Master. As Anakin has said, the Order is not here, these titles don't mean what they once did.

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"Of course, you know this means you'll have to stop calling me Padawan," Anakin reminds Obi-Wan, and his expression finally begins to break, softening into something closer to a teasing grin. He knows Obi-Wan doesn't often call him that, but he'll mention it, on ocassion.

Usually when he's lecturing Anakin about something.

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"Oh, of course," Obi-Wan says, then strokes his head thoughtfully, pretending to give it some real consideration. "I'll have to adopt something new, however. What is it we called Ahsoka? Little one? I quite like the sound of that, don't you?"

His smile grows and he nods toward the sofa. "Now," he says. "Would you like to sit down and have some tea with me, little one?"